is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
