people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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