so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
