i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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