so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
