dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
