he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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