Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
