My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
