I feel great
I just peed on a car
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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