I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
