Who did Billy Mays play for?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
