well I can't set my house on fire every night
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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