3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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