I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
