I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
worst night to have a conscience
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
