I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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