we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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