god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
tell me about the eggs
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
