The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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