What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
as a side note pls kill me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
