I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
