Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
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they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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