allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
