Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
