if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
