Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
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Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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