I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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