she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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