I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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