Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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