Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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