Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
