I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
