I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
