I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
