i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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