What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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