If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
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He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
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Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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