so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
