I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
