I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
