I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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