i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
