Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
