My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
