So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
