well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
