Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Randomize
