i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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