if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
