I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
