So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
