She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
