I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
