dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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