Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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