Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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