We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
