yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
